When the servant girl saw him there, she said again to those standing around, "This fellow is one of them." Again he denied it. After a little while, those standing near said to Peter, "Surely you are one of them, for you are a Galilean." He began to call down curses on himself, and he swore to them, "I don't know this man you're talking about." Immediately the rooster crowed the second time. Then Peter remembered the word Jesus had spoken to him: "Before the rooster
crows twice you will disown me three times." And he broke down and wept. –Mark 14:68-72
I only thought I knew of sorrow and regret. I knew nothing! Never have I felt such grief, pain, and remorse. Oh, I had been one to boast, hadn’t I? All those promises I made meant nothing: that I would never abandon Him, that I would die for Him and with Him, and that though all the world turn away I would not. In the end I denied Him – not once but three times, just as He had said. How could a man walk so close to the Lord, talk with Him, see the miracles, hear His voice, be a partaker of the riches of His love, and then so quickly abandon Him? I have paced back and forth in my small room for hours. We are supposed to be out telling the Good News, not hiding in fear. They are looking for me. I am a wanted man, for I have assaulted the servant of the High Priest. When find they me will arrest me too. That would serve me right. Sleep eludes me, my thoughts wander, mourning consumes me, and I fear all is lost.
How can my Lord be dead? We listened to His words of life and rising on the third day. What have I missed? He was the hope of Israel! He was the hope of the world! I was there. Somehow they did not notice me in the confusion of it all, but I was there. Those words are burned into my mind: “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” Could such grace be extended to me? To one who had disowned Him when He needed me the most? I have tried all night to pray, but I cannot find the words. The Scriptures are in my mind, the blessed promises of God, but I am ill of heart and spirit – I can never recover from what has been done.
Tomorrow, yes tomorrow, I will come out of hiding and I will go to the tomb. I will see for myself. “On the third day I will rise again,” He said.
I wait.
God help me.
God help us all.
